Monday, April 07, 2003

Yay!
So Of Evil has decided that we all are required to take an "Anti-harassment Training" class. That's gonna be fun! I'm going to learn how to "Anti-Harass" people!

Monday, March 31, 2003

Phones Are Down
Today the phones went down at Of Evil. An email was sent out saying "We think we have fixed the problem. If your phone is not working please call the help desk."

So how's that work exactly?

Friday, March 28, 2003

The U.S. Thinks Of Banning The Pledge, But "Of Evil"...
Today we received an email that said:
"> Greetings to all,
> A Value...
> A Vision...
> [A ####]...
>
> Above is the mantra for our new brand. I am interested in what, if anything, this pledge makes you think of,
> about, etc. Currently, a power point presentation is being put together, which I look forward to sharing w/ you @ some point in the near future."

In case you're wondering, "Of Evil" Corp's real name starts with an A. They broke up the name so it would fit with the other lines of "the pledge". It would be like saying "A Pple" instead of Apple. "Of Evil" hasn't just gotten evil, it's gotten stupid. I asked someone if we would be required to all stand up and recite it at certain points through the day. Apparently they didn't find the humor in it. Boy some people take things too seriously.

I can't wait to see this power point. I'll probably pee my pants laughing.

I Guess I'm Not The Only One!
My newest "person" just asked me if I thought the "Of Evil" building seemed like an evil fortress with a moat around it that was being ruled by some mysterious evil force.

I laughed. (For those who don't know, our building has a river that wraps around it.)

Monday, March 17, 2003

So How's That Spelled?
So today marked a new level of genius by our clueless couriers. I called our courier (who does two runs for us each day) and asked him to come by and pick up our deposit. I said "I'm from (the letters that our company is called) Life Insurance."

He asked me about 7 times how that was spelled. It would be like telling someone that you work for ABC Television and have them ask how you spell ABC. Sort of like the joke about "what's the number for 911".

About 15 minutes later I managed to convey the 3 letters that are in our company name for the rocket scientist on the phone. Wow. It must hurt to be that dumb.

Monday, March 10, 2003

It's Been Awhile.
Ah yes, it's been quite awhile since I last wrote... Again, it's not that I haven't had anything interesting happen to me, it's just that it has lacked a certain something that all the stories used to have when I worked in the Ugly Mail Room. Enough of my complaining about that though. Here's some stories.

And You Are?
There has been this new guy who I have dubbed "Staring Guy" who works in a department not too far from mine. Every time I see him he's just staring at someone. Not just an as the person is passing by staring, but really staring in a crazy obsessed way. It doesn't matter who it is either. He'll just stare. He makes me pretty nervous because if you catch him staring at you he doesn't look away like most normal people would. He just keeps on staring. He looks a little like Gollum/Smeigel from the Lord of The Rings movie, only he's about 20 years old. It's really creepy.

Staring Guy Becomes Sticker Guy
The other day I walked by Staring Guy's desk and he had address label stickers that he was working with. Apparently he was mailing out a large amount of letters. He stared at me, I hurried by. About 20 minutes later I was walking by again. I felt someone looking at me, so I glanced over at him. Sure enough he was staring at me. The only difference was that this time he had taken about 20 address label stickers AND STUCK THEM ON HIS FACE AND IN HIS HAIR. I ran.

Hyena Lady
There's another new lady who works for my boss who can't say ANYTHING without laughing. It wouldn't bother me except that it's a coughing laugh. Almost like she's about to die. It's really creepy. She seriously came up to me last week and said something like "Oh my daughter is home sick with pneumonia and she's been in and out of the hospital. She's really not doing well. HA HA HA HA HACK HACK HACK HACK" She's really weird looking too. She also looks like Gollum/Smeigel from the Lord Of The Rings movies, only just as old as him, and female. What is Ugly Corp's facination with hiring people who look like Gollum?

Ugly Corp Gets Evil
March 24th is the date that Ugly Corp becomes "Of Evil" Corp.

Thursday, February 27, 2003

So Nothing New?
You may have noticed that I haven't written anything recently. It's not that there isn't anything worth writing about, it's just that I've been so run down by the end of the day that I get home and immediately fall asleep on the couch and wake up and realize that some awful reality tv show is on. Here's a story for you.

Team Leader? More Like Team Dummy.
Today the Mail Room "Team Leader" came up to me and said "The courier is here to pick up the deposit." So I grabbed the checks and put them in their appropriate envelope and brought the envelope to the courier. He signed for them and went on his merry way.

About a half hour later a courier shows up and says "I'm here for the deposit." The team leader hands him an overnight package that is supposed to be going to London. You might be thinking, well that's an honest mistake. Maybe so, but when you're talking about something that gets picked up EVERY DAY and it's a deposit bag, versus a box that is labeled LONDON, you would expect the "team leader" to be able to tell the difference. But such is not the case. The courier looks at him and says, "No really, stop joking. Where's the deposit." Team leader laughs and says "Oh I gave it to the other courier."

So now Ugly Corp's daily deposit is headed to London. Awesome. I made some frantic phone calls and tracked down the guy and told him to come back before it was too late. THREE HOURS LATER he shows up. Crisis averted. But I'm not sure how it took him three hours to get back to us when he was still in the same town as Ugly Corp. I was a little freaked out for awhile (Hey am I outperforming now?) because even though it was clearly the Mail Room "Team Dummy"s fault, Ugly Corp would be stupid enough to fire me for it, and probably given Mail Room Moron reign over "my people" in "my department".

Thursday, February 06, 2003

I NEED TO PANIC!!!!
I had my performance review today. I'm "Outperforming" in 29 of 30 categories, which is next to impossible to get in ANY category let alone more than one. Do you know why I didn't get it in all 30 categories? "I need to develop a sense of urgency. You appear too laid back. You don't look stressed out enough. But it's because you have everything in control, and you are doing well."

I am not lying. This is a direct quote from my review. I started laughing out loud during the review. Ugly Corp sure is stupid.

Wednesday, February 05, 2003

Manditory Quarterly "How Much Money Eyebrows McBlingbling Made" Meeting Update
Today's meeting blessed us with the usual "I made 48 billion dollars, aren't I great?" Other significant points that were made in the meeting were that we

-Need to embrace the brand. (I'm so sick of hearing that.)
-Need to conform to the "Of Evil" behavior
-Need to conform to the "Of Evil" appearance

Let's discuss these things. We must embrace the brand. So we need to wear a stupid pin EVERY DAY to show how proud we are to everyone who already works at "Of Evil". But just in case we forget it, we will soon be moving forward with hot irons where we will get the "Of Evil" logo scorched onto our forehead. We need to conform to the "Of Evil" behavior. So we should look down on the lowly mailroom employees, boss them around, make them move heavy things, and not pay them much more than minimum wage. We should also make sure that we constantly pass the blame for everything to someone else, while sitting at our desks playing Snood online while making personal long distance calls. We need to conform to the "Of Evil" appearance. Scowl alot and get eyebrow implants? Dress in black suits and have a bad comb-over?

During the continental breakfast I waited in line for a good 20 minutes for coffee. When I was next in line, who should come up and cut right in front of me but President Eyebrows McBlingbling. I got a "Pardon me." out of it. As soon as he was done getting his coffee and had moved on I rather loudly exclaimed "What the heck? Who does he think he is? He acts like he freakin' owns this place!" I got a chuckle out of a few people, while the person behind me said "He's the president of the company. He can do whatever he wants." She was serious. I think she thought I was being serious. She's the only one who did.

Monday, February 03, 2003

The Transition Continues
Ugly Corp. is continuing to go along with their transition into becoming "Of Evil Corp." Todays wonderful news was that I was no longer "in dress code". My department has been given the dress code of "nice shirt, jeans, and sneakers. No hats." since I started. Today I was told "You must now wear nice shirt, tie, nice pants, nice shoes, and no hats." Well as soon as they stop paying me next to minimum wage, I'll be able to get clothes. I suppose I could go without buying groceries or paying rent. How important can those things be anyways?

Sunday, February 02, 2003

Over 100 Violations In One Day
Wednesday around 10 AM we were blessed by a visit from the "I.T. Nazi". He came up to the mailroom door in a very agitated state and started to yell at the "mail room team leader". It went like this:

"There have been over 100 security violations in this room already today! What do you people think you are doing?"
(Blank stares from all of us.)
"People have been using this door without using their ID cards to get in! I was sitting at my computer watching the screen of who opens the doors, and this door has been opened over 100 times without using your card already today."
(Blank stares from all of us.)

The thing is that the mailroom door is sawed in half in the middle so that the door can be open to people who come up to us and drop off mail. When the I.T. Nazi had the security access card readers into all the doors they put them at the top of the doors so that people couldn't just cover them up. When the door was sawed in half and the top half is open the card readers don't work. The solution was that we reach around and turn the handle on the inside of the room. We have been doing this for about 2 years and just now they notice it??? And how do I get a job just watching people open doors on a computer??? Let's go back to the conversation.

"Um, the card reader doesn't work with the door open."
"You can't reach around and open the door! You have to use your card!"
"Right, but it doesn't work."
"You have to use your card!"
(I've noticed a pattern of people at Ugly Corp. repeating stupid things as if it will make more sense the 28th time.)
"IT DOESN'T WORK! IT NEVER HAS!"
"You have to use your card!"
"Because the door is open, the cards don't work!"
"Well why is the door open?"
"So we can get the mail."
"Who authorized that?"
"That we get the mail or that the door is open?"
"The door!"
"The VP of HR, and you're the one who installed the faulty card reader."
"You have to use your card! I'm reporting this to the VP of HR. You can't violate our security this way. You're in a lot of trouble."
"Ok."

He hasn't been back about it since then.

Tuesday, January 28, 2003

"The Brand"
With all the fun and excitement generated from changing our name from Ugly Corp. to "Of Evil" Corp. we have been instructed several times to "embrace the brand" by our fearless billionaire president Eyebrows McBlingbling. I don't really know why they would choose the phrase "embrace the brand" as it has a post-apocalyptic anti-Christ feel. Will we be required to have this "brand" on our foreheads and wrists? The beginning of this horrific transformation began the other day when people were "at random" chosen to "wear the brand". Don't worry, they're still trying to not look evil. There was no tattooing or hot pokers burning it onto us. Now about half the company if not more, are required... (yes, required) to wear a pin with the "Of Evil" logo on it every single day at work. I don't see how this is helping promote the company if we're only showing it to people who already work there. Maybe they are trying to brainwash us into thinking that "Of Evil" is a great place to work. Please don't believe them. It isn't.

Letterhead Of The Day
I came across a letter that Ugly Corp had mailed out with our slogan on it. It was in an envelope that someone had mailed a payment in. Now this may be risking my job by mentioning our slogan and giving a hint as to Ugly Corp's real name, but it was too good to pass up. This is what the letterhead stated right below our logo in big bold print:

IT SNOT A PROMISE UNTIL YOU KEEP IT.

I can only imagine how many people got this letter and cancelled their policies. How can you miss something like that? I'm not kidding. I plan to try and get a picture of it for this site. I have a sample of the letterhead hanging on the wall of my cube. (It's one of my 4 pieces of paper that I'm allowed to hang on my walls.)

Monday, January 27, 2003

You Should Be An Individual Like Everyone Else
Today at Ugly Corp. we were blessed with an E-mail from Eyebrows McBlingbling, our beloved president. It was an email stating how our cubicles should look. They are to be free of clutter, and have no more than 4 sheets of paper on the walls, and should be "personal" yet "professional". Any decorations to make it personal should not take up much space, and there shouldn't be too many of them as it gives the appearance of "clutter". I think I am going to bring in 4 extra large posters to put on my walls. I know that they won't fit, but I'm sure the people around me won't mind me overlapping onto their sides.

Tuesday, January 21, 2003

Musical Cubes
Last Thursday I was given the notice that I was going to move from my luxurious 8x9 cube into one of the 5x5 cubes. Then I was given the option of taking a 6x5 cube. Obviously I opted for that. Then I was told that I was not getting that and was getting a 5x5. Then I was offered a 7x6 cube with half of a desk. So I said, sure why not. Then I was told that I was getting the 5x5 cube. Then I was offered the 7x6 or the 6x5. Knowing how things worked around Ugly Corp, I knew they were out to screw me over. So I opted to take the 6x5.

Last Friday was the same ping-pong musical cubes mess. Same goes for Monday. Yesterday I again opted for the 6x5. My plan worked. I got the 7x6. It's a cube away from "my people" and near a lady who is "unique". More on that in a few...

Motif Lady
My next door cube dweller is very interesting... She's not exactly the smartest person at times, but who isn't? She brought in a nice lamp, a chair, and a rug for her already carpeted cubicle. She also plastered her cube walls with CD's of various VH1 Divas and a Marilyn Monroe poster. She likes to play classic sappy rock rather loudly and sing along. It reminds me of that commercial with the guy on the bus daydreaming that he's on a motorcyle singing really badly out of tune.

Today she came by me as I was listening to the promotional copy of Further Seems Forever's "How To Start A Fire". She looks at me and says "Oh, I'm so glad that you listen to the radio and music too." and walks away. I'm sure that more fun stories will be shared in the near future.

Boss-zilla On Rampage!
Today Boss-zilla was in an unusually bad mood all day. Today she yelled at the world. Boss-zilla is the queen of not knowing how to do the job of the people who don't work for her. She was "being helpful" by running mail through the mail machine. The Billing department sends out a large amount of mail each day. Boss-zilla wasn't happy that she got a stack of envelopes that weren't neatly stacked with the flaps open. This makes the mail machine jam. Although anyone who has ever worked with the mail machine knows that there's a BIG RED BUTTON that you can press that will make it not jam with mail that has flaps closed. Boss-zilla grabbed all the mail from Billing and brought it back to the department and YELLED AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS that it was "unacceptable" (her favorite word) and that "they had better fix it or we will not mail it out" She went back to her lair and discovered that an interoffice envelope was in with the regular outgoing mail. Back comes Boss-zilla and rather loudly makes the comment to me that "they are too fat and lazy to walk across the building to give something to someone". Boss-zilla isn't the picture of health herself which is rather amusing. She screamed about many other things, but you don't want to hear about all of that. Until the next time... RUN FROM BOSS-ZILLA!!!!!!! RUN!!!!!!

Monday, January 13, 2003

But I'm Not Comfortable.
I didn't get my temporary 7x7 cube. I got an 8x9 cube. It's my spacious home for 2 weeks. The scary thing is that I haven't unpacked everything and I'm already running out of room. I can't wait to try and cram myself into something 1/3 the size. How can I put this in perspective? How about this: Suppose you have a minivan that you are constantly moving around lots of things in. So this minivan is full of stuff. Cut off the trunk and the back seat, but still keep the same amount of stuff in the van. That would be the 7x7 cubes. Then cut out the rest of the van except for the front seats, but still keep the same amount of stuff. Not exactly the lap of luxury is it? We're trying to decide what to do. We're thinking of putting boards across the tops of the cubes to create a 2nd floor.

We have been giving ourselves papercuts and jamming our fingers on things so we don't "become comfortable" as we were instructed. It's hard not to be comfortable when you go from having a small table in the back of the file room with no windows or ventilation to having an 8x9 cube with a great view of the river and the golf course.

Tuesday, January 07, 2003

Thoughts On The 5x5-ers.
You know it's like they're giving us training cubes (like a training bra) or "My First Cubicle" only in my case it really isn't my first. It's my 6th.

Blog Enthusiast Phil Davis wrote me in regards to this comment.
"Training wheels, training bra, training pants, training cubes ... one of these things is not like the others. So does it look like the situation is going to change soon/later/at all? Do you think that you'll be able to get more space? Or will Ugly Corp ... er ... Of Evil keep "promoting" you to smaller and smaller cubes?"

Well Phil,
I don't know if/when/at all the situation will change. I think I will be able to get more space. I plan to accomplish that by hostile takeover or blackmail. (No checks for you!) You may indeed be onto something as far as "promoting" into smaller cubes. Perhaps because most management is so smart, they figure "Hey! Smaller cubes! The less room they have, the more they will feel cramped and crowded! Therefore, they will feel 'too big' for their cubes! It's like a promotion! If you are more important people say that they are 'bigger'. You know, like 'the big cheese' is the head honcho!"
My goal is to get a matchbook for a cube.